Dallas Divorce Law Blog by Michelle O'Neil

Often children feel out of control during the transition of a divorce since the decision to divorce was not their choice nor made based on their feelings.  Studies have shown that many children would prefer that parents continue to be married and live together rather than make the decision to get a divorce.  This is understandable since children love both of their parents, they have trouble understanding why the two people they love most in the world don’t also love each other anymore.  The divorce will create a lot of change in the child’s life, which will make him feel unstable.

One of the best things you can do for your child in going through the divorce is to given them confidence that the new situation will be okay and they will get used to it.  For example, both parents should be involved in the conversation with the child where the divorce is discussed.  Emphasize that both parents still love the child just the same.  Explain the process of what is about to happen.  For example, explain that the child will continue to see both parents, just at different houses.  “Instead of both of us living at one house, you will have two houses from now on, one with Mommy and one with Daddy, and you will spend time at both houses.”  Also encourage the child that it is okay to continue to have contact with both parents and give the child the freedom to call the other parent and talk to him/her whenever the child wants to.

Most importantly, do not talk negatively about the other parent to the child or where the child can hear.  From the child’s viewpoint, he or she is made up of “half of Mommy and half of Daddy”.  If Mommy thinks Daddy is bad, the child may translate that to the child being half bad.  The child deserves to have a good relationship with both parents, even when the marriage fails.  One judge gives the example, “Having an affair may make a bad spouse, but it doesn’t necessarily make a bad parent.”

Katherine R. Sookhoo has a good blog post on the impact of divorce on children at the Pennsylvania Family Law blog.

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers lists the Children’s Bill of Rights when the parents are not living together:

Every kid has rights, particularly when mom and dad are splitting up. Below are some things parents shouldn’t forget — and kids shouldn’t let them — when the family is in the midst of a break-up.

You have the right to love both your parents. You also have the right to be loved by both of them. That means you shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to see your dad or your mom at any time. It’s important for you to have both parents in your life, particularly during difficult times such as a break-up of your parents.

You do not have to choose one parent over the other. If you have an opinion about which parent you want to live with, let it be known. But nobody can force you to make that choice. If your parents can’t work it out, a judge may make the decision for them.

You’re entitled to all the feelings you’re having. Don’t be embarrassed by what you’re feeling. It is scary when your parents break up, and you’re allowed to be scared. Or angry. Or sad. Or whatever.

You have the right to be in a safe environment. This means that nobody is allowed to put you in danger, either physically or emotionally. If one of your parents is hurting you, tell someone — either your other parent or a trusted adult like a teacher.

You don’t belong in the middle of your parents’ break-up. Sometimes your parents may get so caught up in their own problems that they forget that you’re just a kid, and that you can’t handle their adult worries. If they start putting you in the middle of their dispute, remind them that it’s their fight, not yours.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are still part of your life. Even if you’re living with one parent, you can still see relatives on your other parent’s side. You’ll always be a part of their lives, even if your parents aren’t together anymore.

You have the right to be a child. Kids shouldn’t worry about adult problems. Concentrate on your school work, your friends, activities, etc. Your mom and dad just need your love. They can handle the rest.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND DON’T BLAME YOURSELF.

If you are in need of a Texas divorce attorney, please contact us.

Continuing with the discussion last week about helping children cope with the reality of divorce, here are ten tips for divorcing parents, from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers:

Ten Tips for Divorcing Parents

Divorce is never easy on kids, but there are many ways parents can help lessen the impact of their break-up on their children:

1. Never disparage your former spouse in front of your children. Because children know they are “part mom” and “part dad”, the criticism can batter the child’s self-esteem.
2. Do not use your children as messengers between you and your former spouse. The less the children feel a part of the battle between their parents, the better.
3. Reassure your children that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault. Many children assume that they are to blame for their parent’s hostility.
4. Encourage your children to see your former spouse frequently. Do everything within your power to accommodate the visitation.
5. At every step during your divorce, remind yourself that your children’s interests – not yours – are paramount, and act accordingly. Lavish them with love at each opportunity.
6. Your children may be tempted to act as your caretaker. Resist the temptation to let them. Let your peers, adult family members, and mental health professionals be your counselors and sounding board. Let your children be children.
7. If you have a drinking or drug problem, get counseling right away. An impairment inhibits your ability to reassure your children and give them the attention they need at this difficult time.
8. If you are the non-custodial parent, pay your child support. The loss of income facing many children after divorce puts them at a financial disadvantage that has a pervasive effect on the rest of their lives.
9. If you are the custodial parent and you are not receiving child support, do not tell your children. It feeds into the child’s sense of abandonment and further erodes his or her stability.
10. If at all possible, do not uproot your children. Stability in their residence and school life helps buffer children from the trauma of their parent’s divorce.

If you need the advice of a Texas Board Certified Family Law Specialist, please contact us for an appointment.

As I’ve posted recently, issues often arise about how to handle kids and divorce.  One of the problems has received recent media attention from Hulk Hogan’s divorce.  Apparently Hulk is sending messages to estranged wife Linda through their 17-year-old son and otherwise discussing divorce issues — the sale of the marital residence — with him, causing the son to developed emotional issues.  See article here.

One would think it goes without saying that parents should not put their children in the middle of communication about grown-up issues. Most Texas divorce courts enter orders prohibiting discussions about the litigation in the hearing of the child as soon as the divorce is filed.  Some counties, including Dallas, Collin, Tarrant, and Denton, call these “Standing Orders” (see blog post Dallas Divorce Lawyers Know…).  But, sometimes parents still allow their judgment to be clouded by the emotion of the divorce to the extent that they forget to put the kids first.

Dick Price has a good blog post on his website about Divorce No No’s that he says can lead to emotional and behavioral problems.  His list of No No’s includes:

1. Make a child into a messenger.
2. Let the kids overhear comments about the other parent.
3. Let the kids be present, in person or on the phone, to hear arguments about the kids.
4. Make comments directly to the child about the other parent.
5. Discuss the “facts” or “truth” about the divorce with the kids.
6. Inform the kids, or let them know, about what they are missing out on becasue they will be with the other parent.
7. Ask the kids to make choices between parents.

To read more of Mr. Price’s article, click here.

I’ve written recently on the very important topic of children’s issues in a divorce. Recently, I was pointed to another version of a children’s bill of rights located at DivorceHQ. Remember that this isn’t a “law”, but only guidelines for putting the children first.

We the children of the divorcing parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish these Bill Of Rights for all children.

1. The right not to be asked to “choose sides” or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.

2. The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.

3. The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.

4. The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.

5. The right not to be a messenger.

6. The right to express my feelings.

7. The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.

8. The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.

9. The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.

10. The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.

11. The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.

12. The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent’s well being.

13. The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.

14. The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.

15. The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.

16. The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.

If you are in need of a Dallas Divorce Lawyer who will help you put your children first, please contact us for an appointment.

Continuing with the discussion last week about helping children cope with the reality of divorce, here are ten tips for divorcing parents, from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers:

Ten Tips for Divorcing Parents

Divorce is never easy on kids, but there are many ways parents can help lessen the impact of their break-up on their children:

1. Never disparage your former spouse in front of your children. Because children know they are “part mom” and “part dad”, the criticism can batter the child’s self-esteem.
2. Do not use your children as messengers between you and your former spouse. The less the children feel a part of the battle between their parents, the better.
3. Reassure your children that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault. Many children assume that they are to blame for their parent’s hostility.
4. Encourage your children to see your former spouse frequently. Do everything within your power to accommodate the visitation.
5. At every step during your divorce, remind yourself that your children’s interests – not yours – are paramount, and act accordingly. Lavish them with love at each opportunity.
6. Your children may be tempted to act as your caretaker. Resist the temptation to let them. Let your peers, adult family members, and mental health professionals be your counselors and sounding board. Let your children be children.
7. If you have a drinking or drug problem, get counseling right away. An impairment inhibits your ability to reassure your children and give them the attention they need at this difficult time.
8. If you are the non-custodial parent, pay your child support. The loss of income facing many children after divorce puts them at a financial disadvantage that has a pervasive effect on the rest of their lives.
9. If you are the custodial parent and you are not receiving child support, do not tell your children. It feeds into the child’s sense of abandonment and further erodes his or her stability.
10. If at all possible, do not uproot your children. Stability in their residence and school life helps buffer children from the trauma of their parent’s divorce.

If you need the advice of a Texas Board Certified Family Law Specialist, please contact us for an appointment.