Dallas Divorce Law Blog by Michelle O'Neil

The advantage that children get from living in two-parent families may actually be due to family stability more than the fact that their parents are married.A new study finds that children who who are born and grow up in stable single-parent homes generally do as well as those in married households in terms of academic abilities and behavior problems.

The study appears as a chapter in the new book “Marriage and Family: Perspectives and Complexities” (Columbia University Press), which Kamp Dush edited with H. Elizabeth Peters, professor of policy analysis and management and director of the population program at Cornell University.

Read about the story here.

Talking to your kids about your divorce is difficult, to say the least.  Try the following tips to help both the child and yourself with the challenge and stress of the conversation:

• Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.  Kids tend to know more about what’s going on than parents given them credit for.  Tell them far enough in advance to allow them time to let it soak in and give them time to adjust.
• Tell the kids together.  Having the conversation together allows both parents to be involved in the conversation and gives each parent the same opportunity to participate in the discussion.
• Do not discuss the adult reasons for the divorce or talk about the other parent’s faults or problems.  Keep adult topics between the adults and let the kids know just what affects them.
• Tell the kids that the divorce is not their fault and both parents still love them.   Kids tend to take divorces very personally.  They think something they did or didn’t do was the cause of the break-up.  Reassure them that both parents love them, they just can’t live together anymore.
• Give the kids some idea of what life will be like after the divorce.  Even if you don’t know the specifics, maybe because custody hasn’t been settled yet, you can tell them that they will live some of the time with Mommy and some of the time with Daddy and Mommy and Daddy will both go to their games and events like they do now.

Also watch for signs of distress from your child.  Divorce is hard enough on adults, and many adults need counseling — it’s the same for kids.  Many kids will need counseling too, if for no other reason than to have someone safe to talk to that’s not mom or dad.

As I’ve posted recently, issues often arise about how to handle kids and divorce.  One of the problems has received recent media attention from Hulk Hogan’s divorce.  Apparently Hulk is sending messages to estranged wife Linda through their 17-year-old son and otherwise discussing divorce issues — the sale of the marital residence — with him, causing the son to developed emotional issues.  See article here.

One would think it goes without saying that parents should not put their children in the middle of communication about grown-up issues. Most Texas divorce courts enter orders prohibiting discussions about the litigation in the hearing of the child as soon as the divorce is filed.  Some counties, including Dallas, Collin, Tarrant, and Denton, call these “Standing Orders” (see blog post Dallas Divorce Lawyers Know…).  But, sometimes parents still allow their judgment to be clouded by the emotion of the divorce to the extent that they forget to put the kids first.

Dick Price has a good blog post on his website about Divorce No No’s that he says can lead to emotional and behavioral problems.  His list of No No’s includes:

1. Make a child into a messenger.
2. Let the kids overhear comments about the other parent.
3. Let the kids be present, in person or on the phone, to hear arguments about the kids.
4. Make comments directly to the child about the other parent.
5. Discuss the “facts” or “truth” about the divorce with the kids.
6. Inform the kids, or let them know, about what they are missing out on becasue they will be with the other parent.
7. Ask the kids to make choices between parents.

To read more of Mr. Price’s article, click here.

I’ve written recently on the very important topic of children’s issues in a divorce. Recently, I was pointed to another version of a children’s bill of rights located at DivorceHQ. Remember that this isn’t a “law”, but only guidelines for putting the children first.

We the children of the divorcing parents, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish these Bill Of Rights for all children.

1. The right not to be asked to “choose sides” or be put in a situation where I would have to take sides between my parents.

2. The right to be treated as a person and not as a pawn, possession or a negotiating chip.

3. The right to freely and privately communicate with both parents.

4. The right not to be asked questions by one parent about the other.

5. The right not to be a messenger.

6. The right to express my feelings.

7. The right to adequate visitation with the non-custodial parent which will best serve my needs and wishes.

8. The right to love and have a relationship with both parents without being made to feel guilty.

9. The right not to hear either parent say anything bad about the other.

10. The right to the same educational opportunities and economic support that I would have had if my parents did not divorce.

11. The right to have what is in my best interest protected at all times.

12. The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent’s well being.

13. The right to request my parents seek appropriate emotional and social support when needed.

14. The right to expect consistent parenting at a time when little in my life seems constant or secure.

15. The right to expect healthy relationship modeling, despite the recent events.

16. The right to expect the utmost support when taking the time and steps needed to secure a healthy adjustment to the current situation.

If you are in need of a Dallas Divorce Lawyer who will help you put your children first, please contact us for an appointment.