Dallas Divorce Law Blog by Michelle O'Neil

More Men Get Alimony as Stigma Lessens

By Debra Cassens Weiss

As more men sacrifice their careers for their higher earning spouses, more are receiving court-ordered alimony. And more are willing to talk about it.

The percentage of men receiving alimony rose to 3.6 percent in the five years ending in 2006, compared to 2.4 percent in the previous five-year period, the Wall Street Journal reports.

Among those receiving alimony is actor John David Castellanos, who used to star in The Young and the Restless. He gets $9,000 a month. He claims he helped his wife move up in her career, until she began to make more money than him. Another alimony recipient is toilet salesman Joe Garnick, who quit his job to raise the kids and take care of the house. He received $50,000 a year for four years from his ex-wife, who was a global equity derivatives strategist for Merrill Lynch.

The story suggests alimony figures will rise based on 2005 data that shows wives made more money than their husbands in 33 percent of all families. Men often argue they sacrificed their careers or stayed at home to raise children for their spouses.

“Today’s men are shaking off the stigma of being supported by their ex-wives,” the story says. “Several agreed to talk on the record for this article, in part because they say the popular image of the male alimony recipient is unfair: He’s not always a slacker.”

The New York Times ran an article on February 13, 2008, about the increasing controversy over religion in custody cases. See article here. Increasingly, people of different religions marry and divorce, then disagree over which religion(s) to introduce to the children. Or, tensions can emerge when one parent becomes more fundamentalist in their faith than previously.

As a general rule, a judge will not — and probably cannot — pick one religion over another as preferable. The constitutional freedom of religion that we here in American experience also carries over to custody cases. A judge may decide whether either or both parents have the right to make decisions about the child’s religion while the child is in that parent’s care. Usually, a parent may address religion or religious beliefs with the child while the child is with them during parenting time. But, short of finding some harm to the child from the parent’s religion or beliefs, a judge will probably stay out of the fray.

Continuing with the discussion last week about helping children cope with the reality of divorce, here are ten tips for divorcing parents, from the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers:

Ten Tips for Divorcing Parents

Divorce is never easy on kids, but there are many ways parents can help lessen the impact of their break-up on their children:

1. Never disparage your former spouse in front of your children. Because children know they are “part mom” and “part dad”, the criticism can batter the child’s self-esteem.
2. Do not use your children as messengers between you and your former spouse. The less the children feel a part of the battle between their parents, the better.
3. Reassure your children that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault. Many children assume that they are to blame for their parent’s hostility.
4. Encourage your children to see your former spouse frequently. Do everything within your power to accommodate the visitation.
5. At every step during your divorce, remind yourself that your children’s interests – not yours – are paramount, and act accordingly. Lavish them with love at each opportunity.
6. Your children may be tempted to act as your caretaker. Resist the temptation to let them. Let your peers, adult family members, and mental health professionals be your counselors and sounding board. Let your children be children.
7. If you have a drinking or drug problem, get counseling right away. An impairment inhibits your ability to reassure your children and give them the attention they need at this difficult time.
8. If you are the non-custodial parent, pay your child support. The loss of income facing many children after divorce puts them at a financial disadvantage that has a pervasive effect on the rest of their lives.
9. If you are the custodial parent and you are not receiving child support, do not tell your children. It feeds into the child’s sense of abandonment and further erodes his or her stability.
10. If at all possible, do not uproot your children. Stability in their residence and school life helps buffer children from the trauma of their parent’s divorce.

If you need the advice of a Texas Board Certified Family Law Specialist, please contact us for an appointment.

Sometimes people ask a family lawyer, “how many cases have you won and lost?” For many reasons, most family lawyers don’t and shouldn’t keep win/loss records.

First, we don’t determine the facts of the case. Our clients make decisions in their lives that affect our ability for success in their case. Also, success is neither easily defined nor the same in each case. For one client, getting a fair amount of child support set defines success. For another client, sole managing conservatorship might be a must-win. Lastly, in my opinion, keeping win/loss records on matters involving people, often children, and their relationships is tactless and insensitive.

Lawyers’ ethics rules prevent representations that past results are indicative of future success. Thus, it would be even unethical for a lawyer to imply that his or her past record in other cases would, somehow, indicate that he or she would be successful in the client’s particular circumstance.

Although it is understandable that a client would want as much information about the lawyer being hired, there are other, more relevant inquiries. For advice criteria to look at in choosing the right lawyer, see my article “How To Pick A Lawyer” here.

I read an article recently in Parade magazine.  The piece questioned whether divorce courts are against dads — “In 85% of divorces, fathers get just two weekends a month and a couple of hours during the week.”  The article cites to a new national trend for “proportional time” where the custody decision is based on the time the father spent with the children prior to the divorce.  Read the article here.

Texas courts began changing the way parents are viewed in the mid-1990’s.  The father’s rights movement began to raise awareness of the involvement of some fathers in their children’s lives beyond the traditionally perceived gender rolls.  The Texas Legislature changed the designation of titles given upon divorce, creating a presumption that both parents will be called “joint managing conservators”.  Although Texas still has the presumptive Standard Possession Order that awards the non-primary joint managing conservator access two weekends a month, plus holidays and summer time, many judges have begun to entertain deviation from that standard schedule where the evidence shows a father’s involvement and ability to share in the day-to-day parenting.  For more information, please see my article Texas Divorce Law Basics.

I recently spoke at the UT Family Law on the Frontlines Seminar in Galveston on the Topic of helping clients deal with debts in divorces.  Debts can be a huge issue in any divorce. However, the divorce lawyer is very limited in her ability to change the liability on the debts. When two people get a divorce, the debts can be apportioned between them, but the liability to the creditor cannot be altered. So, for example, if two spouses purchase a car together and both names are listed as liable on the debt, the divorce will only order one of those people to pay the debt. It cannot change the fact that both people owe the finance company for the car. If the spouse that is supposed to pay the debt does not do so, then the creditor still has remedies against the other spouse, regardless of the language of the divorce orders. If you need advice about dealing with debts in your marriage or divorce, please contact us for an appointment.